Alone on Valentine's

Monday, February 14, 2011

Thinking about love today naturally brought my pessimistic self to think about the time when I felt unloved. I must have been in my final year of high school or early years in college where I was in transition: my friends were a year or two ahead of me, so we were drifting apart mostly due to distance and different routines. Nothing catastrophic happened. Just life.

Now, this is not to say that this was reality. I am sure I was loved by my mother, my father, my sisters...but I think the problem was that I felt unconnected. I didn't have that feeling that I could just appear at a friend's home and walk in. I didn't feel like anyone else understood exactly how I felt - maybe not even myself. I also had the feeling of dread...like, this phase would never end. I sure hoped that it was just a phase.

I don't feel like this anymore. I feel greatly surrounded by love. I feel secure, confident and content. When I think back to the dark place I was in many years ago, I feel relieved.

Perhaps it was a mini-depression that I was going through. I don't know. I never talked to anyone about it (since...I didn't feel like I could which was the root my problem). And when I think about that time I am trying to think if I remember how and when I got out of it. I can't really remember, but it took time. I know that I tried my best not think about it, not to indulge in my self-pity (i.e., "Woe is me. I am so alone"). I focused on other things and figured if it's friends that I want to grow closer to, the best thing to do is to go out and invest in friendships that I could have, instead of looking for them to come to me.

So, why am I writing about this depressing topic on Valentine's Day? I figured on a day where people are celebrating the significant other that they have in their life, it often brings into sharp focus the loneliness others feel. I just want to let you know that I am remembering you if you are that person today, and that your disconnection will end if you want it to.

1 comment:

  1. That's a great blog Kathy. Its so true that many may feel pain on this day, or lonely. I agree that it will pass. I think we've all been in a dark place like that before (we just don't like to admit it - myself included). Your honesty is refreshing friend. Keep it up!

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