Home stretch

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Baseball term?
Anyhow - I am in my first week of the final trimester.
I have three months left until I hold this baby in my arms.

It is Saturday morning at 4am. Can't sleep. This time the baby's kicks woke me up and have kept me up. I actually felt a foot, for sure, on the right side of my belly. I have a night baby. Gummy Bear changed schedules this week - used to be quite active during the day, but now, the strong kicks start at around 10:30pm, and continue sporadically throughout the night.
Quelle surprise. My whole family, extended included, are all night people.

My brain is restless. I've got so many thoughts flying around in there. I'm thinking, am I nervous? I guess a little. Giving birth, as you get closer, must get a little scary. I'm not scared as much as I am thinking this is definitely a big moment coming up. I just had a doctor's appointment last Friday, and he said I have one more appointment (which I have once a month), then I start seeing the doctor every two weeks. That really woke me up to the fact that I'm really close to the end, really focusing me in on preparing for the end. Like, the nursery. Ugh.

I even came to the "design" of the birth announcement as I lay awake in bed this morning. Which I am happy about. I should probably sketch it so I can remember to do it. Three months is a long time to hold an image in my head.

I also thought about how I should take up drawing again - yet again. I keep wanting to, but the first time, every time, I try to start drawing again, the pencil feels so awkward in my hand and the result is so hideous from the time I used to draw regularly I am instantly discouraged. Being out of practice really sucks. Perhaps over my maternity leave I really will get into it again. In the meantime, I have found the last sketchbook that I bought with intention to draw that I have not totally turned into a journal.

I ALSO thought about how excited I am to use Christine's old camera. Canon 20D. She has upgraded recently, and so she is lending me her old one. How timely with this new arrival coming. I have to buy a few things for it: battery and compact flash card since Christine will be keeping the ones she has to use with her new camera. I have plans on going "pro" on Flickr so I can share photos with family more easily. I have family in the Philippines, all over the US (Western New York; Arizona; Chicago, IL; New Jersey), on the other side of Canada and with my husband's family, Chile and Sweden, and friends in Germany. I think that I should really love that.

I think that I'm feeling ridiculously creative.

This experience of "expecting" is probably one of the most amazing experiences of my life. I said to Gonzo, I can imagine why women go through post-partum depression: you've got this baby inside you, growing, that you feel so full (figuratively as well as literally) of life. Completely dependent, and with you ALL THE TIME. Even times when the baby is quiet for a lot of the day (sleeping, maybe?) I feel a little lonely. I ask (to my belly), "Where are you?" I can imagine that when the baby is out, of course I'll be overjoyed and overwhelmed by the moment. But I'll also be emptied. I've had such a great pregnancy so far, I can imagine that might even actually miss being pregnant.

I kind of regret not journaling more during this time, but there was so much - even too much - to write about. I could probably write three pages a day about something new I experienced about what pregnancy is all about, the thought of what preparing to be a parent is like, all the things I learned about myself and Gonzo together... I think I turned those times of writing into naps. I probably should record some highlights soon.

3 comments:

  1. i think its really cool that you might miss being pregnant. i totally support you taking up drawing again, i hope you do! here's to being creative :)

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  2. Such a nice post...

    You have a friend in California that likes to see pictures too! :)

    That's nice that you have enjoyed being pregnant - ot I have heard so many people look at it as an unfortunate step to having a baby, rather than a process, journey and experience much like the child. That is interesting that you say that you'll miss being pregnant as you won't feel as full...however, while all of that goes away, you have something else very important, special and wonderful that comes instead, and I'm sure you'll find that more fulfilling.

    Miss you...

    "Steve"

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  3. Hey Kathy ... anyone who can convey this many thoughts at 4am (as you just did) is truly remarkable!

    Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

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