rotting insides

Sunday, August 03, 2003

more and more, recently, i keep realizing to a larger degree on how easily it is to let ourselves go.

it all begins so slowly - just little thoughts, some attitudes creep in from the peripheral, unchecked judgments... many of these appear so justifiable at the start. unfortunately, no matter how right you are at the time, all these thoughts, attitudes, judgments, are building something ... building a result.

also, what's difficult too, is watching who you let rub off on you. growing up, my parents used to yell at me all the time, because they'd notice all these changes to my personality that i would bring home from school like dirt on my clothes. i never used to think that i was influenced that easily until i let myself consider the possibility.

so, you've got to watch what you're birthing on the inside, but you've also gotta watch what you're picking up externally.

this is also kind of related: sometimes when i get insecure, i think that in order to secure my relationships, it would work by sharing the dirt you've got on someone, tearing someone down behind their back, whispering things that really don't help anyone when you share them... but the truth is, i'm only adding yeast to an already rapidly growing negativity - AND infecting someone else with it. and really, you're building false alliances. and as obvious as it is, you don't build friendships on hating other people.

it's so scary how easily this growing ugliness shows up on people's faces.

so, what do i plan to do? i've been taking dave's advice. anytime, you come across the thoughts that you shouldn't be having, just pray. not necessarily about the thing you've come across, but turn your mind towards prayer. it's such an easy to build your prayerlife. for real! i have been finding myself lifting up more people in prayer than i have in a long time.

it was scary to notice myself slipping, and i need to watch myself, 'cause there's nothing more tragic than getting poisoned young.

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