education sucks the life out of friendship.

Tuesday, November 25, 2003


adam, i miss you too.

davy, i miss you.

well, that was poop.

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

i suppose a great experience in music has to be balanced by the utter worst concert i have been to in my life.

the moneen/taking back sunday/saves the day concert.

at least we went to sushi on bloor before the concert - that certainly saved the evening. oh and that i spent the night with my sisters - that's good too.

but as soon as i stepped into the kool haus, i was like, um, yeah, i am WAY TOO OLD TO BE HERE. girls with mid-pubescent bodies, drapped with strips of fabric they call "clothes" and boys that all looked like they got dressed together. too much two-toned hair, braces and piercings. oh, and the pony tails had to go. every where you stood, you had a ponytail waving in your face. no matter how good the music was, hair in your face, that isn't your own, makes it really hard to enjoy.

secondly, probably two feet away from us, and certain sometimes right up against us, was the most hideous couple you've ever seen kissing their faces out. margaret kept making disgusted faces as her eyes kept drifting over in their direction. it really was like the eclipse. you know looking at it will cause you pain, but you just can't help it. she kept tempting me to shove her so she could just plow them over... with an excuse. they were disgusting.

it wasn't even MAKING OUT MUSIC... i.e., slow stuff, SEXUAL stuff - it was badly played, loud, yell-y, ugh! it just was nasty. quote margaret: "the images are burned into my mind."

so after the second band played, and played badly, we deliberated about leaving. we didn't deliberate too long - we just left. the first band, moneen, really impressed me the first time i heard them back in march, and they weren't that good this time.


sting has ruined me for life.

the sting-aftermath

Saturday, November 15, 2003

well, that was certainly a surreal experience.
gonzo and i were waiting in line for one hour and then they let us into the studio, where we checked out coats, and then waited for another half hour to 45 minutes for more instructions.

we get into the studio and at first gonzo and i were very unhappy with where we were standing. we're not very tall, and we were standing behind a tall guy. we could see nothing. but then someone from the studio-crew moved him. then our view was perfect. UNFORTUNATELY, we were standing behind Sting, so we're probably in every single shot. oh well, i didn't bring my camera into the studio with me 'cause they told us we weren't allowed to take pictures - and then they said we were allowed, but my camera was back in coat check. so all the people who were disobedient got rewarded.

anyway - oh- back in line, get this - this woman turns to this other woman and says, "are you sarah...?" "yeah" "remember me? i'm ron kydd's daughter." i'm like "excuse me? ron kydd taught me in bible college." so us 6 just stood there in awe at the fact that we were all connected. sarah and her husband pastor in kitchener and went to school with matt janes, dave larmour, jonathan smith, terry talbot, etc., etc. and the other woman, well, her father taught gonzo and i in bible college. we all stood together in the studio later.

set list:
- walking on the moon
- send your love
- whenever i see your face
- dead man's rope
- every breath you take
- fields of gold

kipper, joy rose (and other background vocal singer), dominic miller, jason rubello were all there with him. i stood right by the piano and got to watch him play. kipper played on this keyboard that was no more than 2 octaves. it looked like a toy. joy rose has an amazing voice and is so terribly expressive. kipper backs him up well also (vocally). and of course, jason rocks.

it was so surreal being in the studio with only like 160-80 people there with you with these larger than life musicians. people that you've just admired from SO far, and then they're just standing RIGHT in front of you shaking your hand, giving you a signature... i kept zoning out and forgetting that i was in a studio and watching STING. so weird.

but that was an awesome experience. i asked maria to tape it for me - i hope she remembered! i'm not looking forward to seeing myself on tv though...

wowie zowie, i'm going to see STING

Thursday, November 06, 2003

today i went to stratford with maria fudge to pick up her mother who was visiting her sister. we had a nice good ride all the over there to stratford, which is a very pretty town. anyway... on the way home, we stopped for dinner at kelsey's, and we're about to go, and adam calls, in a frantic pace says, "callcallcall muchmusic - the number is 1-800-265-much. i haven't been able to get through yet, but try to get as many wristbands as you can." oh, oh! okay! okay! so we're leaving the restaurant, and for 40 minutes into the car ride, i am calling, calling, calling, calling much music. good thing it's a tollfree call, or otherwise, i'm would have run myself up a huge phone bill this month.

so, i FINALLY get through, and since i haven't television in forever, much less much more music, i really had no idea what to say... so i stumbled and out came, "um, yeah, uh... i want to ... uh... request wristbands to see sting...?" and the lady on the other end says, "honey, you have to WIN wristbands, you can't request them." uh, okay. i actually didn't know WHAT this entailed. did i have to enter my name? did i have to bid? did i have to act stupid? what? what? what? turns out, it's sting-trivia.

i didn't know a lot of the answers.

i didn't know answers to questions like, what was the name of the Police's first album? what is the name of the charity that Sting and his wife founded? and some of other ones... including, what's Sting's real name? the woman freaked when i passed on it! i really didn't remember.

but i got questions like, what is the name of his new book of memoirs? what instrument did he play in the police? what was the name of his first solo album after the Police? so, yeah, i knew SOME stuff.

but what is important is that next friday, i will be standing in the much music environment watching sting. i'm allowed one guest, so gonzo's coming with me. it's our anniversary on the 17th, so this is perfect. happy 5th anniversary, baby!

Friday, October 31, 2003

hey hey hey
we're testing this out.

chivalry is dead

Thursday, October 30, 2003

i left work early today at around 4:30pm 'cause my brain was fried. i figured since i was CERTAINLY going to be working much later AFTER work, AFTER i taught piano, i might as well take a break.

so went to get dinner. but then i still had time to kill before i went to teach. so i decided to get a cafe misto at starbucks.

as i was walking into chapters, a greasy man in a business suit and a flirtatious look in his eyes, smiles at me and holds open the door. i smiled gratefully (UNFLIRTATIOUSLY) back, and managed a 'thanks'... he closes the door on my arm.

even when they try, they still screw it up.
chivalry really is dead.

Sunday, October 26, 2003

today gonzo called me jaba the hut.
he is so dumped.

too late for real.

Friday, October 10, 2003

i'm rolling back into the college habits. going to bed... whenever.
this time it's web design that's keeping me up. pretty fun though. go live's amazing. i'd recommend it to anyone ... anyone with perseverance, that is.

i'd better go to sleep.
i'm visiting adam tomorrow. don't want to die on the way.
some people just might miss me.

at least i left them with something new to look at.
enjoy the new layout. and section.

too late

Thursday, October 09, 2003

wonderful. i guess i could go to sleep now.
what a weird night. i went to sleep at 7pm, woke at 10.30pm. talked to gonzo, then helped margaret with her assignment until now...

oh! i have begun my germany area on le website. yes - i am pleased with it so far. only got the index page done, but it's beeeeeeeeautiful. stay tuned.

no cavities!

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

okay, so today i went to the dentist for the first time in years. it's gotta be at least two or three years since i went to the dentist last. needless to say, i was a bit nervous. what was she gonna say? are my teeth DIRTY? do i have cavities? normal dental fears.

first it starts with confusion. i had no idea where my dentist's office was. i have never been there before - this was the first time. i thought that it was in fairview mall. i go to the dental office that i have seen all the time, on the bottom floor. but as i step in, it occurred to me, that it might be in the professional offices on the 3rd floor... and sure enough, this is NOT where my dentist was. they redirected me up to the third floor to the professional offices. and no. not there either. SHE'S IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BUILDING (you know, that building with the blockbuster in it). so i'm racing to the other building. i hate being late. finally. i find it.

GORGEOUS OFFICE. they had it renovated about a year ago. and super nice choice of furniture and artwork. i'm like, she's gotta be good. ;-) yes, these things are important to me.

i was in the dentist's chair for about an hour, and it wasn't that dreadful. not that painful. i think that the worst thing about the cleaning is not so much the "pain", but the sound. whatever that instrument they use to clean your teeth with that shoots water or something is SOOOOOO awful sounding. it's so high pitched.

what a relief. no cavities. not too dirty. i'm doing alright.


Friday, September 26, 2003

matt, margaret and i just got home from seeing the Toronto Symphony. i don't remember ever going to the symphony before.... well, i'll never forget it - that's for sure.

we had such a fiasco getting the tickets today. first i was counting us getting this huge deal with TSO - tsoundcheck - which is a deal for those 15 to 29 to get into the symphony for 10 bucks. TEN BUCKS! that's just amazing. but of course, by the time i called to reserve tickets for us, it was sold out.

then they said i could purchase 'rush' tickets. but then i was informed i couldn't get them over the phone. i have to see if there are any available when i arrive that evening. well, that makes sense. hence "rush". but still sucks.

got there one hour early. got tickets no problem.

and then we were in for such a fantastic night. i cried. like i expected. like anyone expects me to. the three pieces were amazing.

Rossini: Overture to La gazza ladra

Beethoven: Piano Concerto No. 3

Mussorgsky/Ravel: Pictures at an Exhibition

it was just incredible. i can't believe that people can memorize pieces that long. i mean, i know that they do it all the time. but still to see it actually happen is unbelieveable. so cool.

i heard a few mistakes, but overall, it was incredible. i really liked the conductor. he made the music so visual for me. while he did the technical job of cueing, he also really expressed the music in his motions. it was amazing, the contrasts in dynamics that the orchestra was able to churn out. i can't get over it.

in terms of writing - it's so cool how the writers made the theme travel around to the different sections of the orchestra. (that's something that really impressed me, but i don't pick up very well from recordings. i find that listening to recordings is really 1-dimensional for me. i suppose the visual experience really helps me.) textures in the strings, and brass are so... TASTY... in my ears. it's really the only way i can describe. it's like they flood my insides with full flavours.

i am so happy that i got to go. especially with people who can enjoy it with me. that was worth way more than 20 bucks.


Wednesday, September 24, 2003

so, tonight, i'm just working on my computer and my mom's at the dinnertable... we start smelling smoke. first thing i check is my computer - i put my nose up to the tower... "nope, it's not my computer....." mom: "what's burning?" she checks the kitchen. nope, not the kitchen. so she follows her nose to the balcony - it's outside!

we run outside to find a whole dumpster on fire. FIRE!
check it out!

isn't that messed?! and that's it going out. it was BLAZING before. i got to call 911. i was so nervous. weird, eh? i was in a panic even though i know that everyone was going to be okay. i'm not quite sure why i felt that way.

good thing no one was hurt.

oh, earlier today, margaret and i went to the music store at scarborough town centre (AUG! i hate going there), to get piano books for my piano student. but before i got to picking out books, margaret and i played duets on two grand pianos. that was so fun. man, i need to get one of those. yes. a grand piano.


Friday, September 05, 2003

since i've gotten back from the fantastic trip i had in germany, i have not yet even posted a smidget of memory here, or anywhere on my site. well, since i got back i've been bombarded with work. i had a week to take it easy and work as fast as i can, which was SLOW because of jetlag, but once tuesday hit, i could barely take a break to eat lunch. by the time this weekend is over, i would have made three videoes. one video is bad enough.

germany was amazing. and i am planning on putting up lots of my pictures that i took there, to share them... but right now i'm still in that crazy work mode. not only with church stuff, but prst stuff too. today's friday, my day off, but i have to start a website today. i'm pretty excited.

i have lots of journalling from when i was there, so i will be able to quote stuff that was more fresh in the memory than i'll be currently, so it should be cool. watch out for it.

holiday monday

Monday, August 04, 2003

today was super nice. mike spags invited us all up to the boat at GORESKI's RESORT. pretty fun stuff! today involved just soaking up as much sun as possible. just such a lazy day. it was cool to do nothing, and just hang out. 'nothing' involves swimming, watching rob, carrie, and christine wakeboard. 'nothing' also included waiting for the towtruck to arrive when our car wouldn't start when trying to head home to go to andrew mckenzie's bbq. we called CAA and waited for like an hour and a half, but somehow we still had a good time. mike kept saying, "this is great, this is great...". it's cool to be with people that you don't always have to do something with. just sitting around. LYING around.

whatever -
it's terrible how busy toronto makes you. it's easy to get swallowed up in it. i was just thinking about torontonians, as soon as there is some glimpse of a holiday, they pack up the car and RUN to the cottage, out of some desperate attempt to grab some rest like trying to resist drowning. we work so hard in toronto, running ourselves into the ground, trying to make a decent living. i'm not complaining about not having enough to survive, or anything like that - it's just that the RUSH here could kill you. yes, we've been blessed to abundance here, but i've been to countries where they don't have much, but they sure know how to enjoy rest time, and well, frankly, their lives. i think that especially because even more recently, how both parents are almost "REQUIRED" to work, it only heightens the busyness of the family life.

it's certainly not the vortex i want to get wrapped up into.

rotting insides

Sunday, August 03, 2003

more and more, recently, i keep realizing to a larger degree on how easily it is to let ourselves go.

it all begins so slowly - just little thoughts, some attitudes creep in from the peripheral, unchecked judgments... many of these appear so justifiable at the start. unfortunately, no matter how right you are at the time, all these thoughts, attitudes, judgments, are building something ... building a result.

also, what's difficult too, is watching who you let rub off on you. growing up, my parents used to yell at me all the time, because they'd notice all these changes to my personality that i would bring home from school like dirt on my clothes. i never used to think that i was influenced that easily until i let myself consider the possibility.

so, you've got to watch what you're birthing on the inside, but you've also gotta watch what you're picking up externally.

this is also kind of related: sometimes when i get insecure, i think that in order to secure my relationships, it would work by sharing the dirt you've got on someone, tearing someone down behind their back, whispering things that really don't help anyone when you share them... but the truth is, i'm only adding yeast to an already rapidly growing negativity - AND infecting someone else with it. and really, you're building false alliances. and as obvious as it is, you don't build friendships on hating other people.

it's so scary how easily this growing ugliness shows up on people's faces.

so, what do i plan to do? i've been taking dave's advice. anytime, you come across the thoughts that you shouldn't be having, just pray. not necessarily about the thing you've come across, but turn your mind towards prayer. it's such an easy to build your prayerlife. for real! i have been finding myself lifting up more people in prayer than i have in a long time.

it was scary to notice myself slipping, and i need to watch myself, 'cause there's nothing more tragic than getting poisoned young.

my poor father

Wednesday, July 30, 2003

i hope my dad gets better soon. he said he's feeling better... but he doesn't look better. well, he doesn't look worse. he lies in bed ALL day. i'm glad he's home from work though. i wish my parents didn't have to work anymore. maybe that would be a good and worthy goal for myself to get rich. that way, i could cushion my parents' life beyond compare. they work so hard, and all the time, and get crap for it, and all for us. anyway... friends, pray for him? thanks.

goLive rocks

Tuesday, July 29, 2003

wow. so, i'm actually reading this user's manual. yeah, the one that came in the program box. does anyone actually do that? well, i'd highly recommend it 'cause i'm learning this program inside out. and i'm getting really excited. what's really hard is that i want to just dive into the program, but the program is so complicated, i don't think that i could just figure it out. that's the funny thing about macs: you don't have to ever have touched one in order to know what to do with it; but the programs you use on it, well, nothing could be more complicated. aiya.

we need to pray for him

Monday, July 28, 2003

[here is an email, i have received at work]

Hi Everyone, I received a message from Kaarina with an update on Wayne. Because we did not receive it in time for the prayer letter, I wanted to send it out this morning. This is the summary of her call.

"Hi Pastor Keith, I am so sorry that I have not called back this week. I have been loosing track of days more and more lately. They have been letting me in to see Wayne. I take most of the day preparing myself to go in to the hospital. When I get in it's a real ordeal getting all the garb on. I find it hard breathing but appreciate seeing him. I am there for a few hours but by the time I get home I am so tired. I have been on the go for the last week and a half. I try to get in to see Wayne when ever I can.

He is still in ICU. Some improvement but the right lung is very weak. The left lung is healing well. We need to be praying for his right lung. His heart rate is extremely elevated. Clinically he is looking better. He is more alert and I get to talk to him more everyday. It is a bonus every time I get in. I apologize for not calling but I have been so tired. I miss everyone at APC and so much appreciate your continued prayers." Kaarina

Why not take a moment now and pray for continual healing in Wayne and strength for Kaarina. 1 Cor. 12:26 reminds us that "If one part of the body suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part is honored, every part rejoices with it."

Keith Preston


Sunday, July 27, 2003

i can't sleep. i've visited many blogs. is really cool.
i've collected quite a bit of inspiration today as well. i feel like the reason i can't sleep is because i have too much inspiration that needs to be released. unfortunately, i'm serious.

when i close my eyes, all i can see is all these gorgeous colours, layouts, and ideas and i can't make them stop spinning.

wow - all that i can do, if sleep wasn't necessary.

wow. i'm tired.

Wednesday, July 23, 2003

like the title says.

design breakthrough

Monday, July 21, 2003

i was getting worried. i felt like a lot of stuff looked the same over and over. but i think that more recently, like over the last week or so, i've really broken through the ceiling that i was hitting. i'm experimenting much more with transparencies and it's giving me a richer look. that's what i really wanted too! 'cause i felt like a lot of my stuff looked kind of flat. using transparencies gives me a depth that i wasn't getting before. *sigh* this is so fantastic.

what's also cool is how i'm incorporating christine's work into my own. she's taken some abstract shots with the digital camera, and i've been using them in my own work. it's cool, 'cause i've been using these two couple of shots of hers over and over again. i've used it at least 3 different pieces, and each time they look so different. so, i'm experimenting a lot too which is making me quite pleased.

my baby's home

Saturday, July 19, 2003

*sigh* just brought the company MAC home... how i missed thee! i haven't worked on a mac in so long - at work i'm designing on a PC... working on a mac, the inspiration just hits you in the face when you turn it on. man oh man. i'm so excited. too bad it's 12.55 in the morning. this is going to be keeping me up for a while. i just finished installing something like 6 programs, and you know, setting up stuff the way you like it... now i've gotta break it in. this is just so great!

i'm so in love

Friday, July 18, 2003

you know what? life is just so good. even when it's bad - it's feels so heavy with such a richness. i remember when i was young, and i hardly knew God, when I was debating His existence, when I was unsure about His concern for me, my life felt so light, weightless... i could even imagine myself unexisting. i used to keep thinking about whether i was real or not.

what's so overwhelming is when i think how far God has brought me, even when i'd turn left or right, after the point that i had my eyes opened and i came to the point where it was impossible to believe that God was unreal, unexisting, uncaring, how my life has only become more and more real. it feels like it has substance. direction. blessing. it's so hard to explain the sentiment. my heart is full. i guess the closest thing that i can encapsulate it in is that i feel so in love. but not just with gonzo. (and no, not in a cheating-heart way). i feel head-over-heels about my friends, with what work God has given me, with the abilities God has given me, with the weakness that I've inherited from this broken world, my family... virtually every part of my life.

it's funny that i'm writing this right now - i've just woken up. this is a typical entry for me, late, late, late, late at night, after a wicked time of hanging out - but this is just after a short-night's sleep. this is as real as it gets.

gone away friends

Sunday, July 13, 2003

okay, so i feel like i'm in the grieving process - my good friend jame has left again. i could hardly sleep last night thinking that he's gone and left again. i have no idea when i'll see him again. it really sucks. but i'm so thrilled that i got to see him. it was FOUR WHOLE YEARS since i saw him last. i really hope it's not that long again until i see him next.

it's weird - when i miss someone, i actually have an ache in my chest. i feel unsettled, and even though i'm happy, i'm still somewhat sad inside.


Thursday, July 03, 2003

well, my life has officially become busier than i like. i don't think that i've had a meal at home for about 3 weeks now. I LIKE HOME COOKING. i'm tired of eating out, and driving all over the city to do things that i don't enjoy, and even things that i usually DO enjoy. people need time at home, and right now i'm one of those people. i've hardly seen my parents, and i miss them! and wonderful - i drive out to ottawa tomorrow. but that should be a good trip...

see what i do to myself? i keep running myself low. i complain about not being at home, but as soon as i get an invitation to go out, it's like i think that i have to accept it. and it's not that i don't want to go - I DO WANT TO GO, but that's the problem. I WANT to go, but I really should stay home, because i'm embarking on burnout. by the time the fall rolls around, i'm gonna freak.

greetings from batavia

Monday, June 30, 2003

i've been here a couple of hours, and already i've been stuffed with buffalo chicken wings, root beer, pizza and a chinese coconut riceball. i'm stuffed silly. no worried, just gonna need all the energy for tomorrow's all-day swimming stint. i'm SO looking forward to it.

so, i'm in here in batavia, new york, visiting my aunt and uncle with mom, dad, christine, margaret, and gonzo. gonzo loves visiting here. as do the rest of us. it's our "cottage" ;-)

well, we're only here until tomorrow night so i've gotta savour it. see ya later, folks.

visiting adam

Monday, June 23, 2003

today was fun. smiths, joel, and the chinas went swimming at morgan pool after a nice lovely pizza lunch at the smiths. then off to church for the anniversary music celebration (that name sucks... but is descriptive). adam and i then proceeded downtown to meet up with christine, margaret, joel, karl, and robert, but that never happened because hunger pangs took over our weak minds and we ended up at sushi on bloor instead of hanging out with them. bad friends! bad friends!

anyway, in our conversation over dinner, we decided that on fridays, 'cause i have the day off, i could drive out to the waterloo area to visit adam, and then bring him home for the weekend. that would be cool! of course, i could take ... matt... who is the only other person who might not work on fridays who would care to come, or margaret if she were to skip work... or anyone else who would be interested!

well, i write this so that i will remember that we said this. i am always sad when friends somehow slip through your hands, because of busyness, lack of effort... so, i'm gonna fight to not let that happen with adam. i did let that happen with joel. but cool thing is that somehow i got a second chance, and he's back and hanging out with us. hopefully us lims will stay in good contact with him (and adam, once he's off to school). goodie. goodie.

time to rest up for another day of hanging out! :-)

how scary!

Saturday, June 21, 2003

i picked up christine from Leslie Station tonight... at like 11.30pm, and we ran over to Shoppers Drug Mart, and then proceeded home. Welll, on the way home, we noticed that this car was parked on the street, while still running, and then moved up, and then stopped, and then moved up - until we spotted a woman who seemed a bit worried in her walk, rushing along the sidewalk. christine and i pulled over, and watched to see if the car was indeed following this woman. she started walking (almost running) down the sidewalk past our car, and christine called out, "Are you okay?" she said "Yes, thanks," and continued walking. christine offered for us to give her a ride to her house, and she was grateful. apparently, a man in the car was harassing her. i'm so glad we noticed her, considering the terrible evil that she could have encountered tonight. Man, things like this make me really scared to live in this world, considering so much of my life is surrounded by such UTTER goodness.

hanging with joel

Friday, June 20, 2003

wowee... i know it's been a long time since i've written here, although i was had professed that i would be on here WAY more. well, here's the reason: surprise visit from joel hilsden.

our good friend, joel, gets on msn with christine on monday, informing her of his need for a stinkin' pick up from the airport the next day, TUESDAY. christine couldn't make it, so i got the honours of picking up this last minute planner from the airport. so glad to see him. the last time i saw him was like 4 years ago, and that last time i didn't get to hang out with him at all. SO, the last time i got to hang out with him was like in 1996/7. yeah, that was a long, long, long while ago. needless to say, my sisters and i are having a blast with him.

maybe, even too much fun.

our week has consisted with staying out late, and then having to wake "early" the next day to get to work, and then repeating that the next day. and the next. and the next. and the next. and the next. but it's so much fun - how can you say no? NEVER!

so - he might be staying another week. hopefully! but i also don't hope he stays because the reason why he would be staying would be because his flight fell through that he was counting on in order to visit his girlfriend in the US. that would suck. but we'd be happy. but that's never cool to be happy at someone's expense. yeah, so don't do it, kids.


Friday, June 13, 2003

i've woken up to dream again.
it's such a cool time in my life, and so many of my friends.
a lot of stuff that happens in our lives is pretty scary, but the cool thing is whatever happens, we have the confidence that God has us in our hands. so it's like free falling sometimes but at least i know that there is some kind of catch system at the bottom - otherwise, i'd have to fear death.

so the problem now is which dream do i want to pursue? i have far too many and it's so much effort to pursue one, so i want to make sure that i pursue the right one. and then all the application process and stuff. but hey, i have to make plans on doing something. i don't want to just coast, you know? i think that i'm settled in my life now, so now it's time to do something new, i think.

i had always vowed that i would never get comfortable in life and so there we go - i'm comfortable enough to get uncomfortable again. *sigh* growing is so hard. but oh so fun.

character and our path

adam and i had/are having a fantastic conversation about experiences and who we are.
do our experiences shape who we are, or do we determine our experiences?

i think both.

some people seem tossed and turned about by what life hands them. other people seem so firmly in control of their life, steering their life toward a certain destiny. what's the difference?

if you can imagine an inside and an outside fighting all the time.
if the inside is stronger, it will not succumb to the pressure of the outside. the outside will have no effect.
now, if the outside is stronger than the inside, the inside will certainly be shaped by what the outside wishes.

the inside that i'm speaking of is a person's character. the outside i'm speaking of is the life-situation. if the person's character is strong, the experience will certainly be shaped. if the person's character is weak, the experience will definitely leave its mark on the individual.

a "strong character" i mean is defined by the Word of God.

experiences tend to reveal what is already resident within us. two people will have completely different reactions to a driver cutting them off on the highway. why? because of the person's character. values and personality, all making up character.

BUT we cannot deny that experiences do not leave some kind of imprint on us. however, we also must consider that even the most horrible experiences shape people different ways. again, i return to character. what would cause someone to be abused as a child only to grow up to desire to help other abused children, and another individual to grow up and use their upbringing as a crutch? character.

i think that when Jesus said this, what we're discussing here has to do with that: "Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even when he has will be taken from him" (Matthew 13: 12-13). the person with the richness of a strong character will only learn more and grow stronger because of his experiences - but the person who is already weak will only be weakened by his experience in life.

yeah, i think that sums that thought/discussion up.


Thursday, June 12, 2003

oh my goodness.
last night, 8:00pm, at the Molson Ampitheatre - COLDPLAY was amazing.

Three HUGE shows that are at the top of my list of shows I've seen are U2, Coldplay, and Weezer.
It was so cool to see Coldplay live 'cause I wasn't sure as to how the energy-level would pan out. Their music is so mellow on CD - live, it is a completely different story. Even the softest, most contemplative songs were upped in energy.

Chris Martin's pitch is incredible, as well as the other members of the band who sing back up in addition to playing their instruments.
*sigh* people who are good at what they do are SO inspiring to me - especially when it comes to music. Perhaps it's because I know that I have potential, and that I haven't really worked at developing my potential over the last ... DECADE... and I fear sometimes that I might lose the potential as I get older. All this to say that whenever I see an act like this, I panic, and think, OH CRAP, I need to work on my music.

But it's not even because I want to be famous, not because I aspire to be a "rock-star-musician-type" person.
It's really just about the art.

Oh, and it also reminds me the desire I have inside to do light design too.
Man, why is it that everything i want to do require so much damn school? so much money? so much time? so much effort? there seems to be so little time in life to do EVERYTHING that I want to do. anyway, if i wasn't so lazy, i just might accomplish a quarter of my desires...



Tuesday, June 10, 2003

just thinking...

[complacency : lazy spiritual living]

i think that complacency is just a form of arrogance. you passively refuse to do anything that you're asked. and in this case, asked by God. how terrible! God asks you to spend more time with him, you decide against that. God asks you to speak to someone for Him, you decide to NOT open your mouth.

often these decisions appear as indecisions... but they are decisions nonetheless.

so, i've decided to integrate BLOGGER into my website for my journal, because i found that i wasn't updating it all too often, since i had to always be at MY computer to edit it - this way, i can add to it whenever. WAY MORE FUN. and yes, then i won't only update it like every few weeks.

anyway, lately i really have felt that God has been calling me to be way more disciplined than i have been being - whether that be with my money, with my thoughts and reactions to terribly annoying people and situations, with my sleeping habits, and especially my devotions. it must be be at least a couple of months since i have actually done my devotions regularly, every day. as of late, it's been so sporadic, and it's really affecting the rest of my life (SURPRISE!)

so, in having truly made up my mind to combat my complacency, deciding last night, today i had such a difficult and heavy day. working was so hard, and it was really hard to feel motivated. i kept searching my mind as to why. it certainly wasn't because i didn't have enough sleep. after all, i went to bed early. then it occurred to me about my decision that i had made last night. and since this doesn't make the enemy happy, of course he'd have to oppose me. once i realized that, i felt encouraged, although the heaviness didn't lift. i felt encouraged because i was doing the right thing and suddenly there was challenge back in my life rather than the dumb, mindless coasting i have been doing over the last couple of months.

okay - and then get this: in my devotions today, it was like God was rebuking me huge. this again, made me feel encouraged because who does he discipline if isn't those he loves? (cf. Prov. 3:12). I'm reading Jeremiah, a good Old Testament (which I hardly touch). the heading is "Israel forsakes God".

vs. 5 "they followed worthless idols/ and became worthless themselves..."
i am only making myself as worthless as the things i'm chasing. whether that's some ideal perfection as i push myself at the gym, or see what kind of name i can make for myself in anything i do, it's nothing. absolutely nothing. especially when i compare it to the relationship i'm dropping with God to chase these sorts of things.

vs. 8 "the priests did not ask, 'where is the Lord?'"
the PRIESTS of Israel forgot Him! they who dealt with the law, the law that reflects who God is, His holiness, completely neglected Him! and they still didn't recognize His absence from Israel. and this hit me especially hard since i work at church, where the things of God, people who have dedicated their lives to serving Him in this capacity are in such close proximity, that I have "forgotten God". I haven't been looking for Him asking, "Where is the Lord?" in my own life, and even in my work.

v. 19b "consider then and realize how evil and bitter it is for you when you forsake the Lord your God and have no awe of me"
yeah, i'm losing the awe of God. how'd this happen? that's when you don't keep God in your focus at all times. think about it. when you're confronted with God, it's IMPOSSIBLE to not be in awe of Him. but if you remove yourself from being confronted with Him, it's easy to be familiar with your own experience of Him within your own memories. everyone needs to be confronted with him afresh everyday so that we would never lose sight of how AWESOME He really is.

v. 28 "where then are the gods you made for yourselves? let them come if they can save you when you are in trouble!"
what is that we replace God with daily? are they ANYTHING when we are in trouble? can we turn to work when we're in trouble? can we turn to friends? to mentors? to money? to possessions? to ourselves, and our intelligence? what is my life if it isn't completely centered around him?

so yeah, for a long while, i wasn't "getting anything out of" my devotional time... but it was probably because i was doing it SO half-heartedly. i regret it so much now, but i'm not spending too much time regretting. it's such a waste of energy: regret. it's far more constructive to put your energy towards the future, pressing forward to that which you know is right.

i'm out. it's late.
2.18 is definitely past my bedtime, but it was completely worth it.